Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Dignity is for republicans.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
