yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
