I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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