is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
It's rum buckets o'clock
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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