We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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