So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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