apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
