I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
