Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
