I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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