Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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