ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
