Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
