My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
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