i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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