happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Btw I puked in your glovebox
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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