stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize