her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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