a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
