I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
