I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I can't turn off my feet"
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
