I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
