i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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