Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
