Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
