I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize