She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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