I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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