if you like me you must not know who I am
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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