mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
