i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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