Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
