I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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