New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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