Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
love makes seman taste better
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
She told me I should be a condom model.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
