John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize