She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
