omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You took a bar mat shot.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
