So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
