Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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