I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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