I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
