Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize