Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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