I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize