Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
