I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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