Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize