He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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