Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
