if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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