so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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