it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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