i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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