Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
