I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
