i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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