He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Randomize
