I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I want a musical about memes.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
