This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
