Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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