Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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