We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
