A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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