I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
