I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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