Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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