she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize