apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
